Thursday, August 8, 2019
Aaron and I went to tepanyaki last night to enjoy an evening out. As we got seated our cook kindly asks, "Celebrating anything special tonight?" We reply, " No nothing special." He quickly responds with, "Have any kids?" We both look at each other and Aaron squeezes my hand and we say "no" both a little hesitant. He continues with, "Planning on it?" and then there's that long pause... (what response should I use today?) I go with my usual answer, "someday" and he moves onto the next couple. No big deal, but I can feel that burning in my throat and fight it back and wipe a tear off of my cheek, hoping no one would notice, and we enjoyed the rest of our delicious dinner. He was a very nice young man and didn't mean any harm. But the truth is we had just lost our third baby. Our third little baby that didn't make it. Another baby that didn't get to be held in our arms. We had just started the whole IVF process over again. The numerous shots, medications, blood draws, and doctor visits because our previous cycle did not result in any additional embryos. It's been a rough one. If I'm being honest it's been really hard on our marriage. One of the things I've learned through this process is people grieve differently. Aaron and I grieve differently and that's okay, we're learning to give each other that space to do so. It's a process that hasn't been easy but we are still hopeful because the EXCITING NEWS is we were able to freeze 4 beautiful, healthy embryos to transfer in the future. Four little miracles are still waiting for us. We are not sure when that time will be but someday soon it will happen. Until then we appreciate your prayers so much and know that we have so many amazing people in our corner rooting us on. So thank you!
Thursday, October 11, 2018
Let's start from the beginning... Aaron and I have been married for 8.5 years! They have been amazing and wonderful and filled with trips, friends, family, love and lots of years focusing on our careers. About 5 years ago we started to talk more seriously about adding to our family. As the months went by and it just wasn't working out so easily for us we were deeply saddened by each passing month but pressed on thinking "the time would come." When it didn't, we decided to get more serious about two years ago and discussed some options with our doctors. We both saw specialists at Stanford Hospital and started seeking fertility treatments. We didn't want this to be our story. We so desperately wanted to get pregnant naturally, but due to a side effect of Cystic Fibrosis it didn't look like that was in the cards for us. So, Aaron had a procedure done to start our process and about the same time, my doctor discovered that I had a large mass on my right ovary. We were devastated. Many tests were performed which lead to a pretty invasive surgery in March of 2017. We were unsure where this would lead us as I went into a surgery to remove the mass and confirm whether it was cancerous or not. Thankfully they were able to remove it safely, unfortunately the mass had completely burst my right ovary, but we were thankful for a positive prognosis. We decided to continue down the road of IVF. We started seeking out doctors in Clovis and started our process over again, one ovary down, but ready for the fun to start. Fast forward to 2018 we had a million doctors appointments, ultrasounds, shots and pills. But it was finally happening! We were so hopeful that after many years and surgeries we were going to get our miracle. So last month was go time. We did weeks of shots and medications to produce lots of healthy eggs. All of my medications worked well and we headed into our egg retrieval. We were so excited when my doctor was able to collect 12 eggs during the egg retrieval. The doctors worked their magic in the lab and a day later 7 were fertilized, and 4 were healthy. We were so excited! 4 beautiful babies! 3 days later I was prepped and ready and went in for my egg transfer. It was like Christmas morning, but 100 times better! (We didn't tell anyone, we couldn't wait to surprise our families). We decided to transfer 2 embryos per the advice from our doctor. Everything went smoothly! I was feeling great. Aaron and I were elated. We started dreaming about these two sweet babies and all the amazing plans we had for them. We prayed daily that God would help them grow strong and make themselves comfortable for many months to come. We later found out our other two embryos didn't mature enough and didn't make it. So this was it!
This week we had blood work done that unfortunately informed us that we lost our babies... I can't put into words the pain and sadness that we are feeling, but I do know this is not the end of our story. We are not giving up. God is still faithful, he knows the desires of our hearts, and He is still good. Every bit of me wants to crawl under the covers and not come out, but we are so thankful for our tribe that has rallied around us, hugged us, and cried with us. So where does that leave us? We're not quite sure yet but we are praying and believing that we will get to hold our sweet babies someday.
Monday, July 24, 2017
Real Talk: I wasn't sure I was ready to share this, but here goes nothing!
2017 started off with some scary news while I was at the Dr.'s office in January my Dr. found something unexpected. The appointment started out great, there I am in the stirrups she's looking around complimenting my left ovary (haha) and then scans over to the right and pauses. She keeps looking around and her tone has changed, but I don't think much of it until she begins measuring an area and taking pictures. Then she says she thinks she would like a second opinion, do I mind? I of course say no go ahead. She leaves the room, and now I'm thinking, this is odd things were going great, and now I'm alone, legs still up, and in walks another physician. I think to myself *super, bring everyone in, at this point there's no shame in my game. He takes a closer look and agrees with her, he doesn't like what he sees and says he would like me to get an MRI. A few weeks pass and I finally get my MRI. As my Dr. suspected I had a tumor that needed to be removed. At this point I'm feeling all the emotions, scared, nervous, shocked, and a sense of strength. "a what?" it's still weird even typing those words now. A tumor. We quickly scheduled a surgery at Stanford Hospital (where all of my appointments were happening) and was recommended the best gynecologic oncology surgeon. He laid out all the best options which of course we wanted the tumor removed and hopefully my right ovary to be preserved. He was going to do his best but see how it looked once he got in to see it. The chances of it being cancerous were about 50-50. It wasn't a cyst (those are pretty common and come and go). This was abnormally shaped and completely covering my right ovary.
My surgery was a couple weeks out and of course life goes on. My family was very concerned but super supportive. I clung to the hope that, "it was nothing." I was feeling pretty confident about it. I think that was my coping mechanism. We prayed and knew whatever was to come God was in control, to just be still and hold tight to his promises. Side note… I bought this sign in the midst of this season to remind me daily to be still and know that he is God. It hangs above our bed as a reminder.
Fast forward to surgery day…My family all drove to Stanford to be there with me, along with some amazing best friends. Long story short everything went great. My surgeon was amazing. He made me feel so comfortable (as this was my first surgery). The surgery was laparoscopic and I had to spend a night in the hospital. I was apparently all sorts of crazy after my surgery waving like a princess as they rolled me through the hospital and my entourage paradded along behind me laughing of course! My surgeon was quick to inform my family that he thinks he got everything but unfortunately the tumor ruptured my right ovary, and he took out some surrounding tissue and lymph nodes to biopsy. A few weeks later my results were in and the tumor was borderline-benign. Which was great news. We all couldn't have been more pleased. I will continue with follow up appointments regularly, but things are looking great. Plenty more Dr. appointments to come and some other hurdles, but we'll save that for another day!
I'm sure I forgot some details, but that is the gist of the story which leads to now. During that season of unknown some thoughts of course creep in. What if this is worst case scenario? Have I accomplished all my dreams, have I made a positive impact on the people around me, have I crossed things off my bucket list? These thoughts have pushed me to dream bigger, love harder, and beg my husband to book a European adventure! Moral of the story…go do it! Whatever your dream is. Life is too short. So here we are loading the plane. If you have any must see, eat, and do items send them my way!
Thursday, June 8, 2017
Today I finished my 5th year of teaching and packed up the contents of these four walls as I begin a new chapter at a new school. As much as I love everything in this room it is the laughter, memories, friendships, love, and learning that I will miss dearly. It is the familiar faces, former students, families and best friends that greet me each day. So many amazing memories here. So many treasured friendships that are irreplaceable. Many tears and many dance parties! I am so lucky to have people I love so dearly that made leaving so difficult, but I am so excited for what the future holds. I can't wait to teach, inspire, and love a whole new batch of first graders!
Tent // Land of Nod
Polka Dot Rug //Ikea
Blue cart // Ikea
Book Boxes // Really Good Stuff
Flamingo Watercolor Prints // School Girl Style
These three girls and my husband coordinated the best surprise of my life. They managed to gather all five years of my former students and surprise me with a huge group photo! It is something I will treasure forever. Thank you girls for everything!
Tuesday, April 18, 2017
I'm baaaack! So I took way too long of a break from this sweet blog, but I'm going to attempt to bring it back to life. So here goes nothing. I'll catch up on our trips and then jump into the life changes…(sold house, built a new house, and got an adorable puppy!)
So here's a flashback to one of our hundreds of Disneyland trips with our besties!
So here's a flashback to one of our hundreds of Disneyland trips with our besties!